Can't. Stop. Giggling.

...while looking at this.

 

 

Sent to you by Chris via Google Reader:

 

 

--
~Chris Stewart~
virgored@gmail.com
Here's what I'm reading: http://snipurl.com/ChrisReads

NPR: This I Believe... Penn Jillette

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5015557

[NOTE:  This is an interesting take on the positive story series called "This I Believe" on National Public Radio.  And a very thought-provoking way of looking at religion. I've high-lighted a few lines that were especially intriguing.  Feel free to comment or discuss with me - I'm curious your thoughts.  Also, I think I may have shared this over a year ago, but it has touched me again, and I have made many new, great friends with whom I'd like to share. ~Chris]

Morning Edition, November 21, 2005 · I believe that there is no God. I'm beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy -- you can't prove a negative, so there's no work to do. You can't prove that there isn't an elephant inside the trunk of my car. You sure? How about now? Maybe he was just hiding before. Check again. Did I mention that my personal heartfelt definition of the word "elephant" includes mystery, order, goodness, love and a spare tire?

So, anyone with a love for truth outside of herself has to start with no belief in God and then look for evidence of God. She needs to search for some objective evidence of a supernatural power. All the people I write e-mails to often are still stuck at this searching stage. The atheism part is easy.

But, this "This I Believe" thing seems to demand something more personal, some leap of faith that helps one see life's big picture, some rules to live by. So, I'm saying, "This I believe: I believe there is no God."

Having taken that step, it informs every moment of my life. I'm not greedy. I have love, blue skies, rainbows and Hallmark cards, and that has to be enough. It has to be enough, but it's everything in the world and everything in the world is plenty for me. It seems just rude to beg the invisible for more. Just the love of my family that raised me and the family I'm raising now is enough that I don't need heaven. I won the huge genetic lottery and I get joy every day.

Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around.

Believing there's no God stops me from being solipsistic. I can read ideas from all different people from all different cultures. Without God, we can agree on reality, and I can keep learning where I'm wrong. We can all keep adjusting, so we can really communicate. I don't travel in circles where people say, "I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith." That's just a long-winded religious way to say, "shut up," or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, "How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do." So, believing there is no God lets me be proven wrong and that's always fun. It means I'm learning something.

Believing there is no God means the suffering I've seen in my family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn't caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn't bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future.

Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.

Obesity is growing

Wow. I know not what to say.

http://www.weight.com/obesity_2001.gif

--
~Chris Stewart~
virgored@gmail.com
Here's what I'm reading: http://snipurl.com/ChrisReads

What the...

Gmail users will understand...

...for everyone else, there is a small ad line above the message window in Gmail that delivers relevant AdSense ads, using terms searched and found in your messages.

So... why did I get this... and what the hell is it?

--
~Chris Stewart~
virgored@gmail.com
Here's what I'm reading: http://snipurl.com/ChrisReads

Life Lessons

6 LESSONS TO LIFE

 

Lesson 1:  
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.  

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "  

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.  
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"  

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.  

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"  

Moral of the story:  
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.  

Lesson 2:  
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"  

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."  
 
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.  

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129  

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."  

Moral of the story:  
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.  

Lesson 3:  
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.  

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."  

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  

Puff! She's gone.  

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."  

Puff! He's gone.  

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.  

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."  

Moral of the story:  
Always let your boss have the first say.  

 

Lesson 4  
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"  

The eagle answered: " Sure , why not."  

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.  

Moral of the story:  
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.    

Lesson 5  
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."  

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."  

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.  

Moral of the story:  
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.  

 

Lesson 6  
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.  

Morals of the story:  
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.  
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!  

This American Life

I hope or kind of assume that you listen to 'This American Life' on NPR.  If not, start.

Here's a great episode:

341: How to Talk to Kids

Stories of adults taking very different approaches to communicating with children.
http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1209

Forward about to 45:00 for the best act, although the first act is amusing as well.

--
~Chris Stewart~
virgored@gmail.com
Here's what I'm reading: http://snipurl.com/ChrisReads

Japanese Marshmallow Eating

I almost peed.

No sound necessary nor recommended.  The visuals are enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOfZPZJHnKg

Top 10 Food and Drink Hacks [Lifehacker Top 10]

 

 

Sent to you by Chris via Google Reader:

 

 

Top 10 Food and Drink Hacks [Lifehacker Top 10]

via Lifehacker: Lifehacker Top 10 by Gina Trapani on 11/28/07

You may not be able to power an iPod with an onion, but there are plenty of neat tricks and techniques that actually do work with everyday foods. We've posted dozens of food and beverage-related stories here at Lifehacker over the past three years, but today we've compiled the top 10 most clever, interesting, fun, and useful food hacks of them all, with video clips. Come on in to check 'em out.

10. Close chip bags without the clip

Half-eaten bag 'o chips and nary a chip clip in sight? Check out this folding technique for keeping snacks fresh and the bag closed, no hardware required.

9. Turn a CD spindle into a bagel tote

Flickr user pwka turned an optical media case into a breakfast holder. Who wants a bagel? Photo by pwka.

8. Master the art of cutting a mango

This one's more a howto than a hack, but it changed our mango-cutting lives forever. Here's a video demo on how to slice a mango and get all of its juicy goodness without any of the mess.

7. Clean ANYTHING with vinegar

Fluff your blankets, steam clean the microwave, make better tasting coffee, de-ring toilets, shine cloudy glasses, de-stinkify mildew-y towels, de-ant and de-cat the garden and more with vinegar, the duct tape of condiments.

6. Bake no-knead bread

Never baked your own loaf of bread? Using a simple, no-knead bread recipe published in the NY Times last year, you put together the ingredients and let time do the work for you.

5. Build a fire with chocolate and Coke

You're stuck at the campsite with a Hershey's bar, can of Coke, and not a lighter in sight. Instead of sweating over rubbing a few sticks together, polish the bottom of the can with the chocolate to a high shine and use it to focus the sun on your tinder to get your campfire going sugary-snack style. The Wildwood Survival site has the details on building fires with cans.

4. Make clear ice cubes

This one's not the most energy-efficient in the bunch, but who doesn't like perfectly clear, cloudless ice cubes? Here's how.

3. Avoid crying while chopping onions

The right chopping technique can reduce tears while chopping onions, as well as refrigerating or keeping the onion in ice water prior to cutting it.

2. Chill a Coke in two minutes

Turn a room-temperature can of Coke into a cold refreshment in two minutes with a bucket of salted ice water. Mythbusters television host Adam Savage explains the temperatures and science behind it on Ask MetaFilter. This technique works for that bottle of white wine you need chilled fast, too.

1. Open a beer bottle with a piece of paper

You don't need an opener to crack that bottle of beer—all you need's a regular letter-sized piece of paper. This quick video runs down how.

This trick also works using a lighter or another beer bottle.

---

Like all our Top 10 lists, this one was tough to winnow down. We didn't even get to de-stemming strawberries with a straw, keeping crystals off your ice cream with plastic wrap, making omelets in a bag, or keeping cookies fresh with bread.

What are your favorite food and drink hacks? Let us know in the comments.

(For more non-techie Top 10's, check out our previously posted Top 10 Body Hacks, Top 10 Ways to Sleep Better, and Top 10 DIY Office projects.)

 

 

Things you can do from here:

• Subscribe to Lifehacker: Lifehacker Top 10 using Google Reader
• Get started using Google Reader to easily keep up with all your favorite sites

 

 

We must protect our 'little soldiers'

LOL...

Army fixing uniforms prone to rips...in the crotch

By Tom Vanden Brook, USA TODAY

WASHINGTON — The Army is retrofitting 1 million uniforms to bolster pants that have been tearing during the rigors of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Soldiers in Iraq began reporting "crotch durability problems" with their combat uniforms in July 2005, according to the Army. Jumping into Humvees, hopping from helicopters and scrambling after insurgents have popped inseams on the baggy pants.

... more at: http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/iraq/2007-11-26-uniforms_N.htm?loc=interstitialskip

Now a FIFTH taste sensation

Most everyone, if the tastes are mentioned, can find them on the tip of their tongue (no pun intended)

Salty
Sweet
Sour
Bitter

and Umami?  Yes.  Scientists now also have confirmed the existence of a fifth taste.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15819485&sc=nl&cc=es-20071118

Jury Duty

How To Get Out of Jury Duty

The Easy Way: Be Famous
Hey, we didn't say anything about this being the easily accessible way. But, if you are blessed with the sort of fame that leads media types to follow your every move, then chances are, you won't ever get chosen for jury duty. Why? Frankly, your presence would be distracting in the courtroom. In 2003, for instance, Bill Clinton was called in as Prospective Juror No. 142 on a New York City murder trial, but was eliminated only a couple of days into the jury selection process. The judge on the trial felt that President Clinton (and the Secret Service agents who follow him at all times) would sensationalize the atmosphere in the courtroom.

The Illegal Way: Lie
Whether you say you're "prejudiced against all the races," as per Homer Simpson, or simply claim that your Grandma died, lying is a time-honored way to both get out of jury duty AND get thrown in jail for contempt of court. Just ask Benjamin Ratliffe, an anti-death penalty activist from Columbus, Ohio. In June 2006, Ratliffe was called in for jury selection on a capital murder trial. Unwilling to risk being on a jury that might want to hand down a death sentence, Ratliffe decided to take matters into his own hands. When he was given a form to fill out, he intentionally flubbed a couple key questions. At one point in the questionnaire, Ratliffe claimed he was "bad jonesin' for heroin." When asked if he'd ever fired a weapon, he responded, "Yes. I killed someone with it, of course." The result was a sort of be-careful-what-you-wish-for moral lesson. Ratliffe did get out of jury duty, but he also spent 24 hours in jail for obstruction of justice before he finally agreed to apologize to the judge.

The Smart Way: Know a Bit of Legal Trivia
Next time you're in the jury selection process and really want out, just inform the court that you know all about jury nullification…and you aren't afraid to use it. A little-known facet of common law dating back to Elizabethan England, jury nullification happens when a jury hands down a "not guilty" verdict—but not because they think the defendant is innocent. Instead, they're making a statement about the validity of the law itself. The first jury nullification happened in 1670, when William Penn (of Pennsylvania fame) and William Mead (of no fame) were charged with unlawful assembly—a crime basically created to prevent unsanctioned religious groups from getting together to worship. Clearly, both men were guilty, but the jury refused to convict them on the grounds that the law was unjust. The practice continued in America. Throughout the mid-1800s, northern juries would frequently nullify prosecutions against people who violated the Fugitive Slave Laws. And, during Prohibition, juries around the country nullified numerous alcohol control violations. Prior to the 20th century, nullification was accepted as common practice, but around the late 1800s, judges started taking a harsher view of it. In 1895, the Supreme Court even handed down a ruling saying that judges don't have to inform juries of their right to nullify. Today, most judges take advantage of this. Many will even tell you that you legally can't nullify a law. There's some debate over whether that's true or not. (At any rate, jurors can't be punished for the verdict they return and not-guilty defendants can't be retried—so we figure, what the heck.) Either way, most judges don't want to deal with a juror who might pull the nullification card, so if you bring it up, you'll likely be eliminated from the jury pool.

Instant warm-fuzzies

Unless you don't like cats.

http://rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.ytmnd.com/

VIDEO: Neato Commercial

VIDEO: Neato Commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVguj2GihuU

New change?

Embrace Change

Things change, CHRISTOPHER, and like it or not, you have to let that happen. This week that lesson may come home to you. If you can remember that, as a Virgo, you have the quality of mutability, which means you actually embrace change, then you'll be able to go with the flow around you much more easily than if you resist. Tuesday sets the stage for your learning scenario as the Moon in Pisces squares Pluto in Sagittarius in your sector of home and family. You may learn that a close family member is moving away, or you might be the one who needs to relocate for one reason or another. On Thursday the bright Sun enters Sagittarius and your focus for the next several weeks will be on the place where you live. You might add or delete a roommate or two, or you could need to strike out on your own and find your own dwelling. You are in the process of altering the way you live your life. The way you feel about yourself and your current lifestyle is changing daily. On Saturday the Full Moon in Gemini will help you discover your new path in life.

All in the week I am planning the move out of the house.  Fun.

Not too late... is it?

"Not Too Late" - Norah Jones




Tell me how you've been,
Tell what you've seen,
Tell me that you'd like to see me too.

'cause my heart is full of no blood,
My cup is full of no love,
Couldn't take another sip even if I wanted.

But it's not too late,
Not too late for love.

My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that for so long.

I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time ever is.

And it's not too late,
It's not too late for love,
For love,
For love,
For love.

If I were King: Part 1

If I Were King:  a series of issues that would change if I made the world perfect.

I would outlaw leaf blowers.

There are several very good reasons why.  First of all, they produce noise pollution, bothering humans and wildlife alike.

Second, they are a lazy invention.  Only lazy people blow leaves into someone else's yard or into the street.

Third, users are kind of stupid.  By blowing leaves (and debris) into someone else's yard... they will end up in yours again.  By blowing them into the street, the passing traffic will probably coerce them from their new home into your yard.

And most importantly - they are pointless!  IF you are going to be making noise pollution.. how about a leaf vacuum/mulcher system?  Then they can be used for fertilization, plant beds, etc.  I know that these are already in existence, as I have seen their commercials and their products in Home Depot... BUT NO ONE USES THEM!  Why is that?  It seems to make MUCH more sense: environmentally, practically, and just plain logically.

Grr.  Anyone have a clue?

Life and Death

Alice Ghostley *and* Robert Goulet?

I suppose the realization of mortality comes to everyone at a different point in their lives.  To me, for the most part, death has been like a reality show... just far enough removed and absent that I can change the channel if I want and not have remaining consequences.

I have been lucky enough to only have 1 family member die, 1 friend die during my adult years and only a few classmates I knew die when I was younger.  Death hasn't been much of a presence in my life.  But the laws of probability dictate that everyone will naturally encounter the death of someone close to them.

And this morning with some of the people I remember for years on television and movies passing away to the great silver screen in the sky, it makes me stop to take note of my own mortality.  I have often thought in years past that this moment wouldn't come (in this way) until some of the stars that became celebrities in my time passed away.

I pictured... "Breaking News today, on 7/14/2028,  Cher passed away peacefully in her home with her daughter, Chastity, and son, Elijah."  or Mark Wahlberg, Brad Pitt or Britney Spears... all people with whom, in a sense, I grew up.

That celebrity deaths have affected me more than personal ones is a grievable mention, but the truth, especially in light of so few deaths by people with whom I've had close personal relationships.  Christopher Reeve's death affected me incredibly and I still consider him a personal hero.

Take a moment to stop, breathe deeply and count your blessings for what they are.  Today I count you among them, dear reader. 

In my heart and mind, you will always be; in death or life, forever it shall be.